Care To Go Bump In The Night?

Mike had these funny Halloween boxer shorts when we were first married. They were orange and black with ghosts, and on the front leg was the provocative aforementioned question. They were just another set of clean boxers in Mike's drawer...they were worn year round - why save perfectly good underwear for only certain holidays?

Truth is, there's a lot of bumping around this place at night, what with four little ones trying to learn how to sleep on their own. When I had little babies here, I would tuck them in between Mike and me, and I'd lazily snooze and feed them all night long. However, I never really slept, for fear that Mike Van Winkle would roll over and crush one of our sweet peas in the middle of the night. I truly slept with one eye open.

After that, we had to teach the babies to sleep on their own. I remember when we finally let poor Maggie "cry it out" at nine months. The torture!!! (For me!) I remember Mike having to nearly restrain me as I watched the monitor (we had the volume set to mute) blare bright red to signify that someone was screaming VERY VERY LOUDLY...FOR HOURS.

After that, it was the wandering. Putting children back in bed at all hours of the night. Fetching drinks of water, escorting children to the potty, plunking kids back in bed who had fallen out, scooting over for the four when the thunder barely rumbled in ("I HEAR A STORM!"), and even rushing into the basement when the tornado warning would blare in the middle of the night in Louisville (I would take two kids down, then run up two flights to get the other two.) I have booby-trapped the house for my sleepwalker, and rushed to let the crying dog out of her crate at 3 AM barely missing an accident.

Nights like these are normal, I know, for most families. The thing for me is that I usually face these nights alone. We tally up that Mike is gone for about half of the year, when it's all said and done. (Sounds worse than it is.) The nights can be draining and tiring, when you are the only adult in the house. There were a few years when I don't think that I slept except to grab a few hours in the afternoon with whoever was napping.

The worst part for poor Mike however, is that I have done a complete about-face with regard to staying up all night for fear that he would roll over on someone. When Mike is home, my psyche takes the night off, and drops me deep into a soundless, strange, dream-laden pit. When this all started over a year ago, I was surprised. I would wake up rested at 6:30 AM. No one, except for Mike, would be in bed with me. "Holy Crap! They all slept through the night! Where is everyone? Why do they do that when you're home?" I would ask. "Hon," Mike would reply, "they did NOT all sleep through the night. I was up with Little Lord Fauntleroy four times getting him water and kicking his pale ass back in bed!"

"I'm sorry! I didn't hear him!"

"Of course you didn't! It sounded like you were sawing down Redwood National Forest
over there!

You probably didn't hear Holly Jean yelling for her copy of Goodnight Moon at 

4 AM either."

"No! You're lying! I didn't hear her!"

"Riiiiight. You didn't hear her yelling 'Goodnight nobody! Goodnight Mush!'
Fifty times over. I get it. You probably couldn't hear her over your nightly 

reenactment of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre."

"What Chainsaw? Are you saying that I snore? I was snoring? I don't snore!
I have never snored EVER!"

"It's not snoring to me honey. It's sweet music that I get to listen to when
I'm on my break from being your son's own personal water-boy, and your 

daughter's friendly neighborhood librarian."

"Okay. I'm so sorry! Coffee?"

"Oh, no thanks. I'm taking today off." (That's a joke that we have.
Morning coffee is oxygen to us, so each day when one of us offers it to 

the other, we politely refuse. 'Naaahhh. I don't like it anymore.'
'Um, maybe later. I'm fine for now.' "Oh, I don't think so.  

A glass of water sounds really rich.')

And as such it has come to pass.
If Mike is home, my hard-wired, atrophied, pea sized brain takes the 

night off for some rest.I could not awaken if I tried. If he's on the road, 

then I hit the rack early and pray that my little adventurers catch up 

on their rest, and give their mother the night off...but if they sneeze
(or snore) I'll hear them.

Good night yall!

Tim Russert

So sad to learn that we have lost Tim Russert. I always enjoyed listening to him on television. He seemed to be a person that really loved what he did for a living...he made observing and participating in our wonderful, unique political process exciting. I will really miss his commentary - especially during election time.

We had season tickets behind him at Camden Yards growing up (that's the ballpark where the Orioles play...some people don't know!) We saw him there all the time.

It's clear to everyone that he loved being a son and a father. His son is a new BC Alum...here's a funny clip that I found of him on the BC site.

http://www.bc.edu/clubs/thebc/commercials/russert.mov

Heather's Photos

Here's the link to Heather's photos from the weekend. It was superfun. I believe I was wrestled into the car after I tried to steal a newspaper from the machine.

LOVE TO ALL!!!

http://www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=jlsvkk1.cfq4sk2d&x=0&y=-98sbqr&localeid=en_US

June 15th

Well - I did begin this blog as a journal...this has been a big weekend:

1.  Mike came home!  (He comes home every Friday for the next two months.)  It's like Christmas when he comes home.  The kids talk about him all week long, and they can't wait for FRIDAY!!!

2.  I turned 37 on Saturday.  I love June, and I love my birthday.  I had the best time down on Mom and Dad's farm.  I slept in.  Had COFFEE and breakfast and bed.  Bought the kids some books and a NEW OUTFIT for me.  Slalom skiied with MY DAD behind Happy Ours out on the bay.  Went to dinner with the grown-ups in the family, and "dipped my hair in kerosene and lit a match"  (that's what MJB calls it when I get all wound up and happy on a night out).  Photos to follow whenever Heather sends them to me.  MY DAD WROTE A POEM FOR ME FOR MY BIRTHDAY!!!

3.  Found out that Haley got her book on my birthday!  www.haleybook.com

4.  Mike bought our home here in Annapolis a year ago today!!!

5.  I spent Father's Day with my dad and MJB.  Blessings all around.  

TOP TEN FAVORITE QUALITIES IN A FATHER (dedicated to Mike and Big Hamish)

1. A sense of humor

2. Compassion

3. Limited Patience (it's enough!)

4. Open Pockets (thanks for dinner and a dress, yall!)

5. A belief in ideals 

6. Love of music, sports, history, books, numbers, airplanes and other good things to share

7. Faith

8. An ability to prioritize (choosing to throw the frisbee instead of paying the bills)

9. A love of young people

10. A love for their mothers, and the mothers of their children.

Mike and Dad, I love you.  I write a lot on this blog about my mom and the girls in my life.  All women need good men in their lives.  I am so lucky to have you.  HAPPY HAPPY FATHER'S DAY TO YOU!!!!

Lamentations of the Father

I present the annual copy of Ian Frazier's "Lamentations of the Father." Every year this makes me laugh to tears. I'm recovering from my 37th birthday this morning. IT WAS FUN!!! When I have my wits about me and have downed a gallon of coffee I'll be writing about the two best dads in the world...Rick Moranis in that famous movie where he "accidentally" shrinks his children, and Barney Rubble. Actually, I'll be writing about my dad and Mike Burke who are the most lovely, special, wonderful dads EVER. Love to all of the wonderful fathers out there that keep us so very happy.

LAMENTATIONS OF THE FATHER
LAWS CONCERNING FOOD AND DRINK, AND HOUSEHOLD PRINCIPLES
by Ian Frazier

Of the beasts of the field and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight, you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain, or with cheese, you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the cereal grains, of the corn, the wheat, and of the oat, and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance, you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats, you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room. Of the juices and other beverages, even of those in sippy cups, you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein. Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink. But if you are sick and are lying down and watching something, then, may you eat in the living room.

LAWS WHEN AT TABLE
And if you are seated in your high chair or in a chair such as a greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below you, as they were. Neither raise up your knees nor place your feet upon the table for that is an abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show. Your feet upon the table are an abomination and worthy of rebuke. Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for. If you will dip your blocks in the milk and lick it off, you will be sent away. When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck, for you will be sent away. When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within. I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or sister has done the same to you. Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food, neither seize the table between your jaws, for we do not do that, that is why. And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why. Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me, for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now, behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.

LAWS PERTAINING TO DESSERT
For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, "If the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert." But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten most of your meat and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or, in total, six peas eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert. But if you eat a lesser number of peas and yet you eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert, and if you eat the peas yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof. And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that it may appear that you have eaten what you have not, you will fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no dessert. On screaming: Do not scream, for it is as if you scream all the time. If you are given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are touching each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling while you point to the offense with the finger of your right hand. But I say to you, "Scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct the fault." Likewise, if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you, and steeped in vileness, again I say to you, "Refrain from screaming." Though the vileness overwhelm you and cause you a faint unto death, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face nor press your fingers to your nose, for even now, I have made the fish as it should be. Behold! I eat ofit myself, yet do not die.

CONCERNING FACE AND HANDS
Cast your countenance up into the light and lift your eyes to the hills that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains are upon you, even to the very back of your head, there is rice thereon. And in the breast-pocket of your garment and upon the tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner wonderful to see, only hold yourself still, "Hold still," I say. Give each finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb. Lo! How iniquitous they appear! What I do is as it must be, and you shall not go hence until I have done.

VARIOUS OTHER LAWS, STATUTES, AND ORDINANCES
Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time. Neither drink ofyour own bath water, nor of bath water of any kind, nor rub your feet on bread, even if it be in the package, nor rub yourself against cars, nor against any building, nor eat sand. Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done that you should so afflict it with tape? And hum not that humming in your nose as I read, nor stand between the light and the book. Indeed, you will drive me to madness! Nor forget what I said about the tape.

COMPLAINTS
Oh, my children, you are disobedient. For when I tell you what you must do, you argue and dispute hotly, even to the littlest detail, and when I do not accede, you cry out and hit and kick, yes, and even sometimes do you spit, and shout, "Stupid head!" and other blasphemies. And hit and kick the wall and the molding thereof, when you are sent to the corner. And though the law teaches that no one shall be sent to the corner for more minutes than he has years of age,yet, I would leave you there all day, so mighty am I in anger. But upon being sent to the corner, you ask straight away, "Can I come out?"and I reply, "No, you may not come out," and again you ask, and again I give the same reply. But when you ask again a third time, then you may come out.

LAMENTATIONS
Hear me, oh my children, for the bills they kill me. I pay and pay again, even to the twelfth time in a year and yet again, they mount higher than before. For our health that we may be covered, I give six hundred and twenty talents twelve times in a year, but even this covers not the $1,500.00 deductible for each member of the family within a calendar year, and yet for ordinary visits, we still are not covered, nor for any medicines, nor for the teeth within our mouths. Guess not at what rages in my mind, for surely you cannot know. For I will come to you at the first of the month and the fifteenth of the month with the bills, and a great whining, and moan, and when the month of taxes comes, I will decry the wrong and unfairness of it, and mourn, with wine and ashtrays, and rend my receipts. And you shall remember that I am that I am, before, after, and until you are twenty one. Hear me then, and avoid me in my wrath, oh children of me.